So it's 9:22 in the morning, and I have a 12 week old baby sleeping peacefully on my chest (in his favorite ring sling) and I've decided it's the perfect time to start a blog. Yes, because the world does need another new mom chronicling the delights and challenges of being a mother for the first time. Why not? I've been thinking of doing this for a while, actually. Even thought of starting during my pregnancy, but somehow that didn't happen. I blame "baby brain", but then that hasn't cleared up at all yet (probably never will). So in all likelihood, mine will not be a blog with daily entries written with superbly chosen words and edited to perfection. No, it's much more likely to be a weekly stream of consciousness post capturing in real time the thoughts of a new mother in her early thirties. I'm sure an anthropologist somewhere could make the argument that there's value in this!
So who am I? Such an simple question but such a complicated answer. I'm struggling a bit with deciding how anonymous I should make this post. The more anonymous, the more candid I can be with my thoughts and feelings, but the more open I am with my life situation, the more others can possibly relate.
I guess I'll figure this out as I go along. For now, I'm a psychologist in my early thirties and am married to a wonderful man who I love dearly. We've been together eight years, and married for four. Once I finally completed my phd, after eight long years of graduate school, we decided we were ready to start a family. Now, I was under the impression (no doubt drilled into me in high school health class), that it was really easy to get pregnant, and, having spent years and years trying not to get pregnant, I figured it would be a piece of cake now that I had stopped all the preventative measures. How wrong I was! It actually took us almost a year, and during that time I learned a lot about how the female reproductive system works (who knew our temperature changes throughout the month, and that you can learn to feel when you actually ovulate?) Thankfully, on an early winter's day in november 2010, two lines appeared in the test window (I think in the pregnancy circles that is called a "BFP" or "big f---ing positive) and my life changed forever. No more glass of Chardonnay after work, no more luncheon meats! Suddenly my body was no longer mine...I now had to consider someone else's wellfare with every decision I made. Don't get me wrong, I loved being pregnant and I had a pretty easy time of it (no morning sickness, normal weight gain, not too too many aches and pains), but there really was a huge loss of freedom (and it's unbelievable to now say that I actually had it good back then...my time/activities/choices are even less my own now). Of course, I would do it all again in a heartbeat! My son arrived in the early morning hours of august 2, 2011 and he has been a true blessing from God. I constantly stare at him and cannot believe I've created such a beautiful being. It's as if he was always meant to be here. I'll write about his birth story and the challenges of the early days in upcoming posts. But for now I'll say that becoming a mother has been life changing. It's super hard at times to be so responsible for another human's life, and because I breast feed I think I may feel that responsibility is even more on my shoulders, but it's also such a wonder and privilege to have a hand in shaping another person's life in such fundamental ways. Certainly, as a psychologist, I'm thinking about this and I hope to use this blog to muse more about these issues. Of course I'll try to refrain from analyzing my little guy too much!
Anyway, true to stream of consciousness form, there doesn't seem to be a logical end to this post so I figure here's as good a spot as any. I hope someone reads this, and if you do, I'd love to hear any comments you have or experiences you've had that are similar or different from mine. But even if I'm alone with this, at least I'll have a record of this hugely significant time in my life. And it will give me something to do while my baby naps (as he refuses to do so unless he's strapped to me in his sling -- more on that to come).
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